There are a lot of myths I have heard people utter concerning the issue of marriage. One of them is that a woman has a time when she is most ripe for marriage. They take it to mean that this time is that period when suitors are coming in their numbers.
They erroneously opine that when she misses this period, she may never get married again or maybe not to her dream man. And so they mount this pressure on her to pick one out of the number coming for her hand in marriage.
In as much as I believe there is time for everything including a time to marry, the big question is who determines one’s right time for marriage? Is it that period when every guy you meet wants to be married to you even when you do not yet know your right from your left? Or that time when you just finished from secondary school and because you are tall, fair/dark, beautiful with all your endowments in their most attractive conditions?
Again, I believe in the doctrine of timing but that definitely shouldn’t make a young girl rush into marriage when she is unprepared just because men are coming in their numbers and the fear that she may never find that desire of her heart if she waits some more.
I have carefully considered this issue and my desire for writing this note is to share with you how I think you can handle multiple proposals and ensure you don’t get entangled emotionally with someone too early.
There are a few things you have to bear in mind when it comes to the issue of marriage if you don’t want to make regrettable mistakes.
God is Interested in Your Marriage
First, is that God is interested in your marriage and He’s prepared to give you the best of marriage. In fact, He is not just interested in your marriage, He’s interested in everything about you. That is why you have to start by telling Him about those multiple proposals coming.
Life, they say, is more spiritual than physical. We as humans relate and react to things with the eyes of men which is limited in vision (except you operate in the realm of the supernatural which is actually God’s desire for us. But even when you do, there will still be some level of limitation to what you know. The choice of what He (God) shows you is still His to make). That is why you need another eye, a supernatural eye that has seen into the future to join you in considering this man.
Prepared for the Job of Mother and Wife?
The next thing to do is to sit down and take an appraisal of your life; that is if you haven’t done that already. Think about your life, the path you want to thrive career-wise and how close you are to achieving that. The fact that you are already 23 but just gained admission into school shouldn’t make you want to get married at once.
Marriage comes with a lot of responsibilities. I know of married women who had to quit their jobs at some point just because they needed more time to give attention to their babies. Unfortunately, you cannot quit school for the same reason instead what may happen is that you struggle your way through school, or leave your baby in the hands of a stranger (what we call nanny).
While I was in the university, I had my classmate complain (not bitterly though) that marriage has gotten in the way of her academic pursuits and so much she would have loved to do and the plans she had ab initio.
Our society is such that once you get married, the babies will start coming. There are couples who will tell you they want to take their time but what will follow next is that everybody starts looking at them in a way that you can almost read their mind saying; “What are you waiting for?” You may even start getting some attitude from people dear to you telling you to man up.
Please don’t get the impression that I am against getting married while in school. For some people, when adequately managed, it can be a boost to them. I mean, you have someone who understands you and is there as a strong support system to you all the way.
My singular message is, we all have our different capacities and that is why I advise that you take a personal appraisal of yourself. While Nkechi may be able to manage with babies while in school; Bola may not. That is why it is important that you study yourself to uncover your capabilities and make up your mind on what you want to do.
Examine All the Men on Your List
When you have done that, carefully consider the men in your list. If at all you like any of them and are certain that if not for school, you would have given Mr A, a serious consideration.
The next thing to do is to talk. Talk to him and see if you can get him to give you another 2, 3 or 4 years depending on your level in school. I don’t think that would be asking too much. If he really loves you like he said and has time on his side, he should be able to give you at least another 2-3 years. That way, you would have seriously advanced in your education if not in your final year at the university.
If he says yes which I pray he does, then define your terms but let him allow you to concentrate on your studies. By terms, I mean to set your boundaries. I can guess that when you heard boundaries, your mind went to sexual involvement but that is not all there is to setting boundaries. The whole essence of setting boundaries is so that your guy doesn’t constitute a nuisance to you, choking up all the time you have to do what you were in school to do―study.
So, what happens if he says ‘no’? Let it go.
“Like seriously, I should let it go?”
If you were asked to choose between finishing school and getting married, I know you have enough sense to know that marriage can always happen but there is the best time for laying your career foundation and you don’t want to miss that time.
Get your degree first, become an asset to your man and he’ll respect you the more. Then get married and raise your children knowing that whichever path you want to take (academics or business), you at least have a foundation laid.